· By Case Kenny
Confessions of a ghoster
No one deserves to be ghosted.
It leaves you powerless to know why, powerless to engage in conversation and powerless to express yourself. It leads to anger and then self doubt. And that's anything but healthy!
So, why do people ghost?
Here's some possible reasons I've come up with from my own experience.
As a living breathing human, I've been there and done that (and learned from it).
- Maybe they thought they were out of your league. Ghosted.
- Maybe they got what they wanted from you and it was time for the next person on their roster. Ghosted.
- Maybe you weren't good looking enough, funny enough, cool enough, etc. Ghosted.
- Maybe they met someone else better and chose them instead. Ghosted.
Gotta be one of those, right?
I’ve found the majority of the time those are NOT the reasons people ghost.
People don’t ghost because YOU don’t stack up to their standard, because YOU’RE not good enough, because YOU lost the battle with someone else… they ghost because they are unsure.
Yes, certainly... sometimes people ghost simply because they're just not interested in you. You turned out to not be their type, etc. Yes, that happens.
But I've found a growing trend that people ghost for the simple reason they are unsure about what they want and they’re embarrassed to backtrack.
- They ghost because they don’t know if they’re ready for a relationship and the prospect freaks them out. Ghost.
- They ghost because they don’t know what they want in a partner and it’s confusing and uncomfortable. Ghost.
- They ghost because they’re scared of commitment in general. Not with you… just in general. Ghost.
- They ghost because they’re embarrassed to say they want to just continue being single. Ghost.
It might sound like an oversimplification but people ghost because of THEM and whether they want to admit it or not... they're embarrassed.
- They’re embarrassed to have said one thing and now want to do another.
- They’re embarrassed to have said they wanted to date and a relationship but then changed their mind.
- They’re embarrassed to have led someone on, to have invested time and energy into it... only to realize they want that time and energy back for themselves.
That is why people ghost. They are unsure and then they are embarrassed.
Ghosting is the easy way out and it comes from their own uncertainty.
Do I really want to date right now? Things might get serious. And I dunno if I can handle seriousness... even though I said I wanted it.
Do I really want to keep dating this person? We’re gonna get to a point where we’re officially dating and ya know what that means... that’s commitment.
Maybe I should just be single for a while. I’m young. I should just chill. I didn’t think this through. I don't know what to say because I don't know what I want.
Ghost. Ghost. Ghost. Ghost.
People ghost because of THEM. Not you.
I know it’s tempting to think it’s about you but it really is all about them.
It’s starts with their uncertainty, leads to their embarrassment and ultimately leads to them taking the easy road out.
I know there are exceptions to this but even in the instances where they're simply not interested in YOU... it's still 100% about them. They ghost because they're unsure what to do or say.
So they do and say nothing... and that's the ultimate red flag.
And we don’t overlook and we don’t overthink red flags, do we?
No, we don't! We don't give them the benefit of the doubt. We don't chase them to get closure.
We don't send angry texts to say they'll regret it or that they'll never find someone like you. You have your answer. They made their feelings clear!
The silent treat is louder than a text that saying they’re not interested.
And frankly, it hurts less because there's no ambiguity about what it means when someone makes the conscious decision to ghost.
Quietly compose yourself and move on. No theatrics necessary.
Let them live with their uncertainty while you move onto someone who is sure. No chasing and no self blame.
The next time you find yourself in this situation... see it for what it is - their uncertainty and their embarrassment.
Let them live with that. That’s not your weight to carry. It says everything you need to know about them and nothing about you.