How do you move on in life?
How do you move on from something that was once perfect... but then by some turn of events became anything but that?
How do you move on when everything inside you wants to hold onto the memories, the sense of worthiness and compatibility you once had? How do we move on when we’re still clinging to the past?
One of the biggest reasons I’ve found we struggle to move on is because of our memories.
Our memories like to guilt us when we try to move on.
They like to be like remember that moment when you first met? It was magical. Remember how funny were they? Remember how you were so happy to have found someone who finally understood you?
Those memories can serve one of two purposes: remind you what you deserve OR hold you back.
If you replay them without framing you can lead yourself to assume you'll never find THAT again, you'll never find someone who understands you like THAT, you'll never create moments like THAT again.
If you're not careful you'll assume that person was the ONLY person who's ever going to be capable of making you happy.
BUT here's what we need to realize about moving on.
Your potential for compatibility doesn't decrease over time. It doesn't run out as you get older. It doesn't decrease as a result of a breakup.
It's OK to look back and appreciate what you had with someone... but it doesn't mean you can’t find that with someone else - in a longer lasting and more compassionate way.
As much as that person was great and had a lot of amazing qualities to them… you can find it again. You can beat yourself up and say I miss that person because they actually understood me, they were so interesting, they had such a clever sense of humor, they were so creative...
And you can turn to all the memories you had with them to support that.
BUT the reality of life is that moving on requires you affirm that you can find those qualities again.
... and not a copy and paste version but a more redeeming version - a version that is 100% compatible with you and what you need.
Free yourself from guilt. Free yourself from assuming you blew it and you’ll never find those things again.
Appreciate the memories you have but don’t let them hold you back. That is the framing you need to move on.
Think about what a breakup means...
- does something ending mean you aren’t worthy of having it?
- or does something ending simply mean you were not quite compatible?
We need to get real. We need to splash some water on our face, stand up, feel the wind in our hair and affirm that a breakup is NOT a reflection of your lack of worth... it’s a reflection of incompatibility. That's it.
A breakup has little to do with what you deserve, YOUR worth and what YOU bring to the table… and everything to do with incompatibility.
You simply were not as compatible with them as you wanted to be.
Here's a silly analogy I gave on this week's podcast.
It's like you're shopping for clothes. You spot a cool outfit and you're excited to buy it. You can already picture wearing it out. But when you try it on it looks terrible on you.
Even though you’re disappointed you don’t take it to heart and think I’m not good enough for this article of clothing. No, you move on because you know you simply weren't compatible with it.
You don't blame yourself. It just wasn't right and so you move on to find something that is.
It's the same concept when it comes to moving on from a breakup.
You are just as deserving today as you were then AND you can find those things that made that person great... again.
You can find them in a more redeeming, longer lasting and more compassionate package. You can find that missing piece of compatibility.
A breakup isn't about you lacking worth, it's about incompatibility.
And despite how close you were to finding that perfect compatibility and how many memories you have that remind you of that fact… you can find it again in a better, more perfect package - a package that is unforced and that is meant to be.
THAT is what you deserve.