· By Case Kenny
Love is for you
As odd as it sounds, when it comes to dating and relationships… your motivation to date in the first place has to be self centered. It has to be a bit selfish.
Love is FOR You.
It’s for them too, of course. It’s for the both of you.
But at its onset, your motivation to date can't come from fear. It can’t come from lack. It can’t come from a mentality that says "I am not whole without someone else, I am falling behind without someone else, or I don't know what to do without someone else."
We need to remind ourselves… as a starting point... that love is for you.
As a living breathing, individual, unique human… your happiness is your responsibility in life, right?
You don’t outsource your happiness to other people. It’s something that only you are truly capable of giving to yourself.
Happiness… much like other things in life… is an inside job.
It’s your job to find a way to live in a manner that respects you and give you the happiness you deserve. It’s your job to live authentically to honor that. It’s your job to live truthfully and purposely, right?
A relationship is meant to take that further. It’s meant to progress the great work of art you’ve dedicated yourself to.
Its purpose is for you to go out and find someone who continues to augment that happiness and who challenges you to find it even further.
You both are there to help each other better understand themselves, to challenge themselves, to support themselves and so on and so on.
There's an underlying layer of self focus.
That self centeredness is anything but narcissistic and it’s anything but selfish. A lot of the time we make the mistake of thinking that our partner’s happiness and the collective happiness of a couple is OUR happiness.
That’s just not true.
Your happiness is and will always be an inside job. It will always be a unique, personal process that a partner will augment.
We have to realize that love is FOR you.
Why are you dating?
It has to be more than a motivation that comes from an aversion to being alone. It has to be more than "that’s just what you do." Frankly, it has to be more than "I just want have kids."
Love is for you.
How does love, a partner, and compatibility further your journey to creating and finding happiness?
"I am dating to find someone who appreciates and understands me." Ok.
"I am dating to find someone who challenges me." Ok.
"I am dating to find someone who inspires me." Ok
Cliche? Yes, but these are intentional. They are a reflection that love is for you. I think those intentions are so much more powerful than swiping without any intention, dating because you’re lonely, or dating because that’s "just what you do."
Love is for you. It’s to further the journey you’ve been on...
That is why you date. You date to find someone who furthers that mission for you. And then you reciprocate that wholly and compassionately and with enthusiasm.
What happens when we see the entire purpose of dating to be that of becoming a complete human?
We lose our sense of self. We focus on validation through relationship status. We start to think the lows are worth the worth enduring to get to the highs and so on. We stick something out because we don't want to start over and we don’t want to be alone. We fall victim to narcissists and people who don’t give us what we deserve.
There is nothing selfish about looking at dating initially through the lens of "what will this relationship bring me?"
They need to be having the same though process themselves... They need to be - like you - a whole, person living and loving, coming to you to further that. And you to them.
That is the reciprocity born of recognizing that love is FOR YOU.
Love is for you. Love is for your partner. And when you come together with those intentions you have two people who understand the value of a relationship that far transcends the easy checkboxes- having someone, not feeling alone, starting a family, etc.
THAT is such a powerful place to start from.
Because you realize that their love is for you and your love is for them and you realize that through THAT lens… they bring out more of you than you ever could’ve imagined.
They make you love yourself more because of their presence in your life.
And that is the gift of a relationship.
Loving someone makes you love yourself more.