Have you ever found yourself trapped in a cycle of being interested in people who simply aren't right for you?
Those are people who are unavailable, aren’t ready, aren't interested in you, aren’t seriously looking, etc.
Why are we interested in people who aren't interested in us?
At a glance I’d say the easy answer is we’re simply not aware we’re doing it. Sometimes we're just so eager that we’re blind to the fact that we’re the one with all the enthusiasm. That happens a lot.
But if you find yourself in these scenarios often - always doing the chasing, convincing or being the interested one - it's time to go a bit deeper.
A real, no BS answer to the question of why we go after people who aren’t available is that we have an upside down understanding of love.
We've grown to assume we have to earn someone’s love - and not just earn it… but fight and scrap for it. We've grown to assume that clean, simple two-way love doesn’t exist. We expect to have to lead the charge and "win."
We've come to think of disinterest, unreturned feelings and lack of enthusiasm as a normal part of a relationship. We've come to think that we need to overcome those things by fighting even harder for the relationship - more effort, more interest, more of us.
THAT is why we’re OK with fighting for someone who doesn't fight for us.
THAT is why we’re OK with pursuing someone who isn’t pursuing us.
THAT is why we're OK with being interested in someone who isn't interested in us. We think that's how it’s supposed to be.
Obviously no love is "easy" but somehow we've developed an understanding that love should NEVER be easy.
We've come to think it's something you fight for from the very beginning and that we have to WIN in some way. We think that convincing someone else is part of the game.
That assumption is what keeps us in a game we don’t belong in - being interested in someone who isn’t truly interested in us.
We think it's part of the process. We might be aware of this but we're still hesitant to ACT.
Maybe it’s because we’re trying to distract ourselves from the bigger issue which is that we struggle to love ourselves in the first place?
What better distraction from doing THAT inner work is there than pursuing someone else?
Sometimes we pursue people who aren't interested in us as a defense mechanism because we struggle to love ourselves fully.
If we truly loved ourselves we’d stop when someone has made it clear they’re not choosing us.
But the fact that we keep moving forward is evidence we have some inner work to do.
You’re willing to show up for someone else but not yourself? Ya… that’s us avoiding taking a hard look in the mirror.
It’s the perfect distraction to focus on them and NOT you.
Why do we do this?
Maybe it’s because we’re afraid to realize we don't love ourselves as much as we should?
Maybe we’re more comfortable with a truth like we have to "win" what we want in life?
Maybe we’re more comfortable with those truths rather than the one we need to recognize - that you deserve good love and good people.
You should never have to convince someone to want something more with you.
Recognizing that is how you regain your love for yourself. THAT is how you change your understanding of love as a one-way street that you eventually win TO a two-way street from the beginning.
THAT is how you learn to love yourself again… even if it’s tough.
Let’s look inward and realize that we can make a choice. We can change our assumptions.
We can change the examples set for us. We can change what we put up with.
We can change the standard we’ve set for ourselves from one of - this is how it’s supposed to be and I have to earn their interest TO this is who I am and if they’re not interested, I’m not interested.
Now it’s simply you respecting yourself. It’s you resetting what you deserve. It's you freeing yourself up to actually go out and get it.