· By Case Kenny
Why men struggle with commitment?
Why do men struggle with commitment?
Obviously that's a bit of a stereotype - everyone struggles with commitment at some time in life. It’s not just men. It’s normal for everyone to be afraid, to feel vulnerable, or to second guess themselves in the face of commitment.
It’s normal to feel a bit of hesitation when faced with commitment.
BUT I've found men tend to feel that hesitation and give into it without question.
So here are 4 reasons men struggle with commitment and what it means.
ONE... This is a commitment issue best described as “it’s just the way I am.”
This is the kind of commitment issue that comes from a someone who just hasn’t taken the time to practice self awareness.
This is a commitment issue that comes from some past event, some past conditioning, or some past pain but the person holding onto it has prescribed it as a personality type - e.g. "this is just the way I am."
This kind of commitment issue is quite literally cause and effect. Something in this person’s past hurt them and they left it unexamined and allowed it to spread to their perspective of life and love.
This person decided they aren't willing to be hurt again… but they don't get real with themselves as to THAT being the real reason and instead they turn to this cliche of them not being a "commitment type guy."
They’re not bad people… they’re just not self aware. It’s become binary for them. They’re not ready. They’re not a commitment type person. That’s who they are.
If they took the time to unpack that label, they'd understand it’s because of their past and the human fact they don't want to be hurt so they self-sabotage upfront.
They don’t give ANYONE a chance - even if they wanted to deep down - because they’re hung up on that unexamined past, that attachment style, and that conditioning - and they're more comfortable with a silly label like "I'm just not a commitment guy" than actually trying to understand and challenge WHY.
TWO... This is a commitment issue derived from fear of being hurt.
I think everyone can relate to this in some sense... You get cold feet because you’re afraid of being hurt. You’re afraid of going all in because then you might experience "all in" kind of pain or disappointment.
This commitment issue is the deep down vulnerability you feel when you’re faced with going all in.
Pride is on the line. Ego. Sense of self. But it has to be challenged. And men suck at challenging this feeling.
A healthy relationship consists of two people who put everything on the line - in face of that normal feeling of hesitation.
A healthy relationship consists of two people who are human but check their pride, their ego and their normal hesitation to at least try.
THREE... This is a commitment issue that stems from "grass is greener syndrome."
This stems from the idea that they think they can do better This is the kind of person who is so hopped up on social media, on ego or movie fairy tales that they forget what they're actually looking for.
This is the type of person who, unfortunately, is so lost in the sauce of themselves that they forget what they have when they have it. When faced with someone who is great and amazing and exactly what they want, they grow distant because they’re like "wow, imagine if I had that plus ____."
I suppose you can always do better in some way - the world is a huge place and I bet you could find someone who’s +1 in some category.
Sure. The world is a big place - you could probably have your current 10/10 but maybe find a 10/10 who’s ALSO left handed because that’s your thing LOL.
Sure, with all the possibly combinations in the world… you could do better. But that’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard because your person isn’t about all those things... it’s about the way they make you feel.
Your person is your person because of the they way they make you feel.
FOUR... "I don't want to feel trapped. I don’t want to become boring."
Sound familiar? Men lean into this cliche that a relationship will change them for the worse. I think frankly it’s such a loser mentality to think a relationship means you’re trapped or stuck.
Sure, if it’s with the wrong person - then take that as a sign - but if you're just buying into this stereotype that being in a relationship means you’re boring and old now… shame on you! You have a ride or die person with you now! That should make your life more exciting, more adventurous, more everything!
To not challenge that cliche, that's an L.
But the good news men can challenge it. If you're on the receiving end of these types of commitment struggles… you should expect someone to challenge that feeling.
I don’t really like the statement "if they wanted to, they would" BUT when it comes to at least challenging emotions, challenging conditioning, and challenging innate human hesitation…. I do buy into it.
If they wanted to, they would!
If they wanted to get uncomfortable and challenge their past conditioning and why it makes them back down in the present, they would.
If they wanted to challenge the discomfort of being vulnerable by just going for it, by going all in, they would.
If they wanted to challenge the competitive, ego-driven mentality of finding better, they would. If they wanted to challenge the idea of a relationship making them feel stuck, they would.
You deserve someone who challenges their innate human feelings.