· By Case Kenny
Do they deserve a second chance?
Should you give someone or a relationship a second chance?
First and foremost it’s about YOU.
Before you get to looking at their behavior, what about them has changed, what they say, etc. look at YOURSELF.
Specially look at yourself in 3 ways.
Separate the future from the past. Separate the future from the good memories.
A second chance can’t be motivated by memories. It can't be motivated by a sense of nostalgia. It can’t be motivated by a sense of just trying to recreate the good moments you once had together.
Of course, ultimately you are trying to find those moments again and make them forever but that can’t be the only motivation.
The best question to ask yourself DURING a relationship is “if nothing were to chance, is this good enough for me?” and based on the fact that the relationship ended and you're considering a second chance... something wasn't good at the time.
So, you can’t just be trying to recreate memories because clearly something was missing.
There has to be a "moreness" that you can identify. There has to be a sense of hope of what is to come… not just reiterating what was. Something new, something different, something 2.0.
Can you identify one or two things that you’re excited to create together? Something new? A sense of more? A new, better sense of something? What will be different? What will build on those memories? What will build on that nostalgia? Will it be a better sense of communication? Openness?
Decide that and move to point TWO.
When considering a second chance make sure you’re not motivated by fear. That is fear of being alone, fear of starting over, fear of judgment, fear of falling behind, etc.
You can't give someone a second chance simply because you’re afraid of having to give someone else a first chance.
And that leads us to point three.
If you checked the box on ONE - you’re motivated by more or different, you checked the box on TWO - you’re NOT motivated by fear - then the last box to check is whether or not while you were still in the relationship you held anything back.
Look back at how you were in the relationship.
Did you hold ANYTHING back? ANYTHING AT ALL? Big or small? Did you truly give 100% of everything into that relationship?
As much as they might have been at fault for the relationship ending, as much as you might have been at fault for it, or you both together… there is a considerable WHAT IF at play here if you can look at yourself and say "I wasn't completely there."
"I didn’t give EVERYTHING I had, I held myself back in some way, I wasn't there completely, I didn’t speak my truth completely, I wasn’t completely open the entire time, I wasn’t completely there mentally."
If you didn’t give it all you had, then there is a moreness to what could be.
That might deserve a second chance... If, on the other hand, you look yourself in the mirror and say "I did give 110%. I gave everything I had. I showed up truly and openly and honestly" if that’s you… then what would a second chance offer?
Do you deserve to have to have to give someone two looks at your full effort, your full love, your full compassion in order for it to be recognized and appreciated?
That's up for you to decide, but there is a person who wouldn’t need a second look. There is a person who would jump at the opportunity to be with someone who brought the 110% you bring.
There’s a relationship and there's a compatibility where that 100% would be enough for it to not need a second chance.
We need to recognize that some people are worth a second chance and some are not.
Some relationships are worth a second chance and some are not. The key here is being honest with yourself.
If you gave it everything you had the first time… sometimes that’s the sign you need.
But is there 1% more YOU can give? Is there something more you can bring that you didn’t before?
Lean into that.
And finally that brings us to THEM - their changed behavior, their why, their motivation to try again, etc.
Why do they want to try? What is their motivation? Fear? More? Memories? What more will they bring? It's the last question.
Once you’ve answered that and you match it against your own behavior, your own awareness and your own motivation… you can make a decision that is right for you.