Have you run into "fake nice guys" yet?
These are guys (can also be women) who claim to be nice but they’re really not. They’re nice because they have an agenda that serves them and they use your desire to be with someone "nice" to get it. And when their "niceness" no longer serves them… the facade drops and you see who they really are.
Obviously I think it goes without saying that you deserve someone who is real and honest. I'm sure you agree :)
But unfortunately some people are very good at faking being a "nice guy."
You deserve better than that.
So here are FOUR red flags that can help you identify a fake nice guy.
ONE. Anyone who keeps telling you how much of a nice guy they are… well they’re probably not that nice.
A true nice guy wouldn’t have to say it. They wouldn’t be insecure that their actions aren’t aligning with what they want you to think.
Someone who keeps telling you they aren’t like other guys, that they’re one of the good ones, that they’re a nice guy… that's a red flag. If their entire pitch to you is that they’re a nice guy… yikes.
If you’re a nice guy… you don’t need to prove it.
TWO. Their use of language and compliments.
When things are going well, a fake nice guy will say things like we should totally do this, we should totally go to Miami together, etc.
They’re also all about you with good morning texts, you’re beautiful texts, etc.
And then you sleep with them/they get whatever it is they've been wanting. From there those we should do that comments... they change to I’m going to check that, I've been wanting to check out Miami, etc. And the compliments? They become few and far between.
A fake nice guy has an agenda.
A lot of the time it’s sleeping with someone. But it could also just be self validation, wanting to be chosen, wanting attention, etc.
Regardless, a fake nice guy has an agenda and uses fake niceness to get it. It's someone who is trying so hard to be someone they’re not.
THREE. A fake nice guy so desperately wants to prove they're a certain way that they’ll do anything to avoid conflict.
Someone who is genuinely nice won’t try to avoid conflict or honest conversations. They’ll face it head on because they actually want resolution.
They don’t just want to kick it down the road so they can continue getting what a fake nice guy wants - their agenda.
A fake nice guy will avoid conflict because they know things will come crumbling down. A fake facade falls apart when genuine honesty is required.
FOUR... Fake nice guys always expect someone in return from you.
This is the BIGGEST red flag. They pressure you into their agenda by constantly reminding you of what they’ve done for you and how "nice" they are.
They’ll take you out on a date and hang it over your head - constantly reminding you of it, of what they did for you, of how great they treat you.
That's a big red flag and in my mind a very toxic trait.
A fake nice guy expects something in return for their niceness.
So know this: if you feel pressured, trust your instincts. Trust your intuition.
If someone is pushing a certain agenda, ask yourself if you feel pressured or if you're making your own decisions.
A fake nice guy is going to pressure you and they're going to use their niceness as proof that you should say yes. You deserve better than that.
I think it’s time to move on from saying you just want a nice guy.
Instead look for a genuinely "good" person.
- That’s someone who doesn't change their behavior for their agenda.
- It’s someone who doesn't mislead to gain your trust.
- It’s someone who is consistent - with everyone! Uber drivers, wait staff, the people at the DMV, etc. It's someone who is true and kind in all aspects… not only when it serves them.
- It’s someone who isn’t just being nice and kind to get you to sleep with them.
- It’s someone who doesn't manipulate and who doesn't make you feel obligated to do something in return.
The biggest red flag is feeling pressured.
The most compassionate thing you can do is ask yourself if you’re feeling pressured.
YES? Ok, time to do something about it.
I hope you realize there is someone out there who genuinely wants good things for you and isn’t just pursuing THEIR own agenda.
There is someone out there who isn’t trying to pressure you.
You never deserve to be tricked or pressured. But if you do come across a "fake nice guy," call it out and move on swiftly.
Do that so you can move towards what you know is possible - someone who would never do that.