· By Case Kenny
"I can change him"
"I can change him/her."
This is the idea that you can have an amazing connection with someone BUT there’s something glaring about them... and instead of moving on you declare that you're going to be the one to change them.
You decide that you're going to be the one who can change them...
- from being a f***boy to finally settling down and committing.
- from being a bad communicator to someone who always shares what’s on their mind.
- From someone who is afraid to introduce you to their friends and family to someone who is proud of your relationship together.
If you’re picturing a certain outcome in a relationship and that expectation is dependent on someone's changed behavior… you’re setting yourself up for a struggle.
I don’t think you should ever align your desired outcome with change because you deserve someone who is good enough for you today in the same way you deserve to be with someone who thinks you are good enough TODAY.
I don’t think you should ever find yourself staying in a relationship where the only thing you have guiding you is belief in tomorrow’s potential.
I recognize that no one is perfect and I think that change is healthy. I recognize that change is almost aways required in a relationship for it to work.
BUT... the motivation to change has to come from the person making the change.
End. Of. Story.
Change has to come from within the person making the change.
So when it comes to this idea of "I can change them"... that person has to change because THEY want to. YOU cannot change them. THEY have to change themselves because they know it’s right - not to appease you.
If someone changes to appease you… that’s conditional love and you deserve more than that.
You wouldn’t change to get someone else’s conditional love, right?
You cannot change someone else BUT you can help them find a reason to change.
You can give them that reason. You can lead a horse to water... but you can’t force them to drink. It’s always on the other person to recognize the reason (that’s YOU) and to find the motivation to transform themselves.
It can’t be a game of convincing them. It’s a conclusion they have to arrive at for themselves.
A compassionate relationship is NOT one where you have to ask them to change. It’s about finding someone who realizes that they SHOULD change.
I know it’s a tough pill to swallow but I believe there is someone out there who is good enough for you today and you’re good enough for them today.
That person has some things that need work (just like you)… BUT they want to change… and when they see you and realize how incredible YOU are and what YOU bring to the table, that might just be the final realization they need to tap into THEIR motivation to change.
That is healthy but it’s different from a mindset of "I can change them."
Sometimes you are genuinely throwing away your time and compassion when that's your mentality.
You’re giving it away to someone who needs to change but they don't have the capacity to find a reason within themselves to actually do it. And when that’s the case, nothing you do is going to change them.
Their change should be their change.
You can remind them of it but it has to be about them… in the same way that your growth shouldn’t be about anyone but you.
Their change has to come from them. And if it doesn't... it’s time to take your amazingness elsewhere.
You should never find yourself staying in a relationship where the only thing you have guiding you is belief in tomorrow’s potential that only you believe in.