· By Case Kenny
In defense of being "too much"
We have to tell other people how we want to be treated. We have to speak our minds. We have to be honest about who we are and what we need.
We need to do those things or otherwise we can’t possibly expect someone else to know how to truly love and appreciate us.
We’ve gotten it twisted in life and we’re at a point where we purposely hide things.
We don’t speak up out of fear of seeming too needy or eager. We don’t say how we’re really feeling out of fear of seeming insecure. We don’t say what we really want out of fear of seeming too type A. We don’t say how we want to be treated or what we need to feel loved out of fear of seeming "too much."
I’m sure you’ve had experiences where you spoke your truth clearly and early.
But then life kicked in and someone who didn’t understand it, they misinterpreted it, they saw it as a threat to their own needs or their agenda. You came across someone who belittled your honesty and your needs.
And there you were thinking you learned a valuable lesson. There you were thinking that lesson was you’re better off hiding certain fundamental truths and needs. I get that. It's easier to hide honesty because then you can't be hurt.
"Who me? No I’m the coooool chillllll partner. I don't need much. I’m good. I’m a go with the flow kinda person."
The truth is quite literally that the words we don’t say do us absolutely no favors.
Pretending to be a certain way so as to not come off as too needy, insecure, too confident or too aggressive does us no favors.
Because how we act shows people how we want to be treated.
Plain and simple. When you hold back, when you pretend, when you act… you’re telling people that you don’t need more. AND you’re attracting those kinds of people into your life.
And those people will either think you’re someone you’re not or they’ll think you're cool with minimizing yourself.
You show people with the words you use how you want to be treated and if you don’t speak up and say "here is what I need"… you’re leaving your treatment up to luck and hope that someone will naturally just know.
The words we don’t say… they literally have the opposite effect of what we think they do.
You might think being cool, chill, laid back and not needing much makes you easier to love. But it’s the opposite. It’s making a fake version of you easier to love. That’s a fake or opposite version of who you really are, so logically it’s making the real you harder to love.
It’s literally a slap in the face to what you really need. It’s training someone else that you don’t need more.
Honesty gets you a lot more than you think in life.
Unfortunately at some point life will give you the experience you fear most - the experience of being honest but having it thrown in your face, having it embarrass you or having it used against you.
I wish that wasn’t the truth about life but some people just aren’t ready for your truth, they don’t want it or they see it as an opportunity to use it against you.
But even in that case there is a painful upside - the moment you have your honesty not respected... you now know that that relationship can’t possibly be for you. Isn’t that better than a drawn out pretend act that eventually ends for the same reason? I sure think so.
Honesty shows other people how you want to be treated.
It takes the guesswork out of your needs. A mature partner will love that. A mature partner who wants you to be happy will love that you’re guiding them to help you be happy.
How is someone supposed to know your boundaries unless you tell them?
How is someone supposed to know what you like to hear unless you tell them?
How is someone supposed to know how you want to be loved unless you tell them?
If you aren’t honest, there you are.... hoping someone will magically know how to love you.
- You’re sitting there knowing that words of affirmation are genuinely important to you but you don’t want to scare them so you stay quiet.
- You’re sitting there feeling insecure because something happened in a former relationship but you don't want to bring it up or you’ll seem like damaged goods and so you stay quiet.
- You’re sitting there only hanging out once a week with your partner but quality time is an important piece of validation for you but you stay quiet.
The words you don’t say don’t make you easier to love… it’s the opposite.
With honesty you literally can’t lose in the long term.
You either experience short term pain in the form of someone who either doesn't want it or who can’t offer what you need.
OR you find someone who right off the bat gets to the core of who you are and can offer you what you need.
Nowhere in that equation do the words you don’t say serve any purpose. The words you don’t say serve no purpose other than being a disservice to what you need, the experiences you’ve already had and the lessons you’ve learned.
The words you don’t say show people how you want to be treated.
Are you OK with not honoring what you really need? Are you OK with a lifetime of hiding those things?
Speak up. Speak up early and often.