· By Case Kenny
Lonely in a relationship?
Have you ever been in a relationship with someone but you still felt lonely?
You weren't physically lonely or isolated. You had the emotional support of someone else. You had their effort to understand you and be there for you.
But you still felt lonely...
You feel lonely because something is missing. You feel lonely because something YOU need on a deeper level is missing.
- You might be supported by your person, they're a great texter, they're very responsive, they set up dates… BUT you don’t feel understood by them.
- You might feel very prioritized by them... BUT you never feel that you can go deeper than the usual conversation.
- You might be physically attracted to them… BUT you feel anxious about being totally honest with them about your issues, your past, etc.
You are your own unique person with your own unique past and present. To think you'll be made instantly happy by the things you should be happy with... that's not fair to you as a person.
Feeling lonely means you need more than those "shoulds."
You need different. You need to respect that feeling. It doesn't mean you're broken. It doesn't mean you're weird. It just means you need something specific.
So then what should you do?
We need to live our standards from start to finish.
We need to realize that other people are not mind readers. When it comes to feeling lonely in a relationship, we tend to do this thing where we assume that person will figure out how to make our loneliness go away.
We have to tell and show people how we want to be loved! We have to show them our deepest standard!
In the same way you have simple standards and boundaries you want to be respected, you have to show someone the deeper standard you have. People don’t just intuitively know how to love you.
You have to show them. Your partner or the person you’re dating… they can only go so far to know how you NEED to be loved. They can only react to what you tell them.
In the case of being with someone great BUT still feeling lonely… you have a deeper level that needs to be addressed and only you can lead someone to that place.
There’s this false assumption that the right person is going to know exactly HOW to love you...
I certainly think you're going to naturally connect with your person.
It will be unforced and will just feel right. But no one is going to know how to love you at your deepest level.
You have to tell them what it means for you to feel understood.
You have to tell them what it means for you to feel supported and loved.
We can’t expect someone else to know how to do that intuitively. We have to show them.
We have to be vulnerable. We have to lower our walls intentionally and show them the way in. In the case of being with someone but feeling lonely… THAT is the missing piece.
That person is not intuitively going to know how to love you. That person will not intuitively know about your deepest needs unless you voice them.
There's nothing unromantic about that. There’s nothing forced about that.
For you to say I’m going to be vulnerable and here is what I need… and then for that person to deeply listen and try their best to deliver? How is that not romantic?
And what’s more... how is that not you living your standard from start to finish? Not from start to halfway… Not from start to where it's clear that person is into you... but beyond that. To the very core of what you need. To that deeper level.
Voicing what you want and saying how you want to be loved… that is how you live your standard from start to finish.
That is how you give yourself what you need.