"My ex was crazy."
How many times have you heard someone say that?
Certainly there are instances where someone says their ex was crazy and it’s actually true - instances where someone's behavior was irrational or maybe even abusive.
BUT let’s talk about the general trend of someone calling their ex "crazy."
"My ex was crazy because she freaked out when I told her we were going too fast! My ex was crazy because she wanted too much, didn't trust me, etc."
Here's what I think... Everyone’s a bit crazy! Relationships are inherently emotional. They’re complicated. To expect both people to be completely rational, calm and mature at all times… that’s unrealistic.
Everyone has a bit of crazy in them BUT to label one person crazy and the other person totally cool... that’s just wrong.
It takes two to tango and we should never forget that.
So how should you react to a potential partner who constantly says their ex was crazy?
When I hear someone say "my ex was crazy"… I hear a couple of unsaid things.
I hear blame. I hear a desire for someone to be right and someone to be wrong. I hear a lack of closure.
I think it’s the best sign of closure if someone can talk about their ex in a mature way without villainizing them - no matter how it ended.
So when I hear someone say my ex is crazy… to me that screams lack of closure, lack of inner work and a desire to blame someone else. It screams a desire for them to be right and their ex to be wrong.
A relationship ending is rarely ONE person’s fault.
Where’s the accountability? Where’s the ownership? Where’s the closure?
I can totally dig it if someone says… ya my ex was crazy... BUT ya know what? I had a hand in that too. Guilty as charged.
Boom! That’s great. That’s maturity. But when I hear blanket statements like my ex was crazy... that's a red flag.
There’s nothing crazy about caring, about expecting respect, communication or honesty from someone. I’m sure you’d agree, right?
And there's nothing crazy then about getting upset when that’s not honored. Also agreed, right?
That crazy is GOOD CRAZY and it’s nothing to be ashamed of.
In my experience, the crazy of the ex someone is referring to is simple that person's good crazy - a reaction to mistreatment. They're referring to someone's good crazy... BUT they're labeling it as bad crazy.
It’s a pretty shallow and low energy outlook to say that someone is crazy because of the way they react to NOT receiving the respect, honesty, commitment or intention they deserve.
It’s become so much easier to call someone crazy than it is to realize an emotional reaction to something doesn’t make them crazy.
An emotional response is a powerful thing… because sometimes that’s what it takes to express a standard hasn’t been met or a boundary has been crossed.
When that’s the case, how does that make someone crazy? How is that person the ONLY one to blame in that situation?
Someone calling their ex crazy is simply a reaction to their ex acting in a way they didn’t like, that made them uncomfortable, that called them out for their BS… and it's just easier to say "oh ya she was crazy."
So remember that.
If they say all their exes are crazy… it says they likely haven’t done the inner work to understand their role in that. If you’re going to get in a relationship with someone… there's going to be a bit of crazy… from both of you.
But for a relationship to work... you need someone who has the capacity to learn, to listen and to be accountable.
You need someone who doesn't have a "me against the world" mentality.
But if someone hangs onto resentment without healing, without closure, without understanding their role in it… that’s how it ends up becoming a “my ex is crazy” pattern.
And you don’t want to become part of that :)
It doesn't make them a bad person and it doesn’t make you a bad person if you’ve found yourself saying this.
It just means there’s more inner work to do... and that’s always a good thing because that’s the basis for closure.
For you to find the relationship you deserve it’s going to require you to have or be working on your own closure just as it's going to require the same of them.
Nowhere in that equation is there any room to hang onto resentment or blame.
A healthy relationship is built on finding peace in the aftermath of a breakup and more importantly focusing energy on the future... not the past.