The fastest road to being in an unfulfilling "OK" relationship is to pursue what you’re told you’re supposed to want in a partner instead of what you really want.
An OK relationship is a relationship you’re in just so you're not alone. It's a relationship you’re in so you don’t have to worry about pressure to be in a relationship. It's a relationship you’re in because someone gave you attention and was nice to you.
OK connections. OK compatibility. OK sex. OK future together.
NOOOO nooooo!! NOOOOO stop it.
You’re gonna work your a** off in life? You’re gonna push yourself in your career? You’re gonna work on yourself - your self esteem, your confidence, your compassion. You’re going to be hilarious and attractive af and a total catch.
… and then you’re going to get yourself in an OK relationship? And you’re going to stay in it?
NO WAY!! My friend I will not let you do this.
No more to "ok" relationships.
You have the power to say no more.
The only reason you’d stay in an OK relationship is if you haven’t taken the time to realize there's a big difference between what you want and what you’re told you should want.
Are you going after someone who matches what you’re supposed to want in a partner or is that person who you really want? That is the question.
A moment of vulnerability might reveal something surprising about yourself and your tendencies.
What do you want? What do you actually want?
Is it what you’ve told yourself you want? Is it based on some list you read on the internet or some random FB video? Is it what your parents told you makes a successful relationship? Is it based on that influencer couple you see on Instagram?
OR… is what you’ve actually come up with?
Is it personal to you? Is it real to you? Everyone’s needs are different. Everyone’s standards are different. What looks good on paper isn’t always what is fulfilling to you... BUT if you only look at that checklist you're told you're supposed to go off… you’re going to end up in an OK relationship.
Everyone is different! Not everyone has the same love languages.
- Maybe you don’t need good morning texts and instead you’d rather have quality time together.
- Maybe it’s important for you to bond with someone over your mutual pasts instead of being with someone who is bright eyed and bushy tailed with no emotional baggage.
- Maybe you’re a deep thinker and you don’t always show your cards before you talk through them and being with someone who is 100% vulnerable 100% of the time just isn’t your vibe.
- Maybe you don’t want someone to always blindly support you. Maybe you want someone who challenges you deeply and who checks your ego.
See what I’m saying?
If you’re told that the right relationship is to be with someone who does this, that and the other and you ignore what’s possibly more important to you… that’s how you end up in an OK relationship.
Here's what happens when you don't check yourself: You might find someone and you're like I’m told that love is good morning texts, love is laughing together, love is physical attraction, love is no baggage! So you’re like yes he’s all those things or yes she’s all those things… that’s great. Check, check, check.
But you ignore the fact that there are other things that are important to YOU - maybe even more important, maybe a complete 180 - but because you’re told to want something those things in particular... you say “I’m just being silly... this is fine."
That is how you end up in an OK relationship - one that is fine by all objective measures but is not personal to what YOU need.
Not everyone has the same love languages, the same expectations, the same example set by their parents, their grandparents, by the internet, etc.
- Some people want an independent streak in their partner whereas the internet says you should be with someone who wants to do everything with you and you with them.
- Some people want low key private one on one love whereas the internet says you should want a partner who screams I love you from a mountain and does over the top woman crush Wednesday posts.
- Some people want someone who is the complete opposite from them with their worldviews, political views, sense of humor, etc. whereas the internet says to find commonality and be on the same page! Take a moment and consider what is personal to you.
What is it YOU want? What is it you’ve learned in your dating life so far?
Then ask yourself… is THAT what you’re going after?
Is that what you’re currently getting from your partner? Or are you going after OK because you think you’re being selfish for wanting more or that you’re a weirdo for wanting different. I don't think you're selfish or weird for wanting different!
Raise your standard. Create your own standard.
Create your own standard that is personal to you. You’re not some cookie cutter human who needs the same checklist in a partner as everyone else.
Maybe your needs are a bit different? Maybe your needs are in a different order?
Set your own standard. Set your own standard for humor, for vision, for sex, for attraction, for compatibility. You get to set that because only you know what’s right for you. Honor that truth.
It’s your truth. It’s your preference. It’s what you need… not what you’re told you need.