· By Case Kenny
Stop choosing "bad boys"
I want to talk about bad boys for a minute.
I’m using the term "bad boy" as a catch-all for the attraction we feel towards "different" or "cool" people BUT there's a catch - they have their own self serving or toxic agenda in dating.
In the case of stereotypical "bad boys," I'm talking about someone who is attractive, charming, charismatic and a bit rebellious or mysterious.
They're different in that they're not trying too hard to impress you and they have a bit of an attitude about them.
I get why that can be attractive.
Same old same old can be boring. Same old nice guy routine can be boring. Playing another round of "what's your favorite color?" can be boring.
And so when you come across someone who doesn’t give a f***, who’s not trying to be overly impressive, who is cool with you or without you, who’s confident and has some swag... that can be attractive.
BUT if you’ve ever fallen for a bad boy you know where it leads.
It leads to chasing, it leads to one sidedness and it leads to frustrating mixed signals. That's because at the end of the day a bad boy is really just a term for someone who has their own agenda.
Obviously this isn't always true - there are definitely cool, rebellious, chill, confident men and women out there who are literally just that and nothing more - but let's talk about WHY there's a negative narrative around bad boys.
Why are you attracted to "bad boys" in the first place?
Why are you attracted to the type of person who inevitably becomes hot and cold, who clearly isn’t eager to choose you, who claims they’re interested in you but rarely prove it? It comes down to conditioning.
Bad boys are inconsistent. They supply you with lots of highs and lots of lows.
THAT is what tricks you into thinking you’re attracted to them.
Seems backwards, right? Why would you be attracted to someone who is inconsistent?
Because for every low... there is a high.
Those highs are the moments where you have it all - you're with someone who is different, attractive, good in bed, reckless, rebellious, confident AND they’re vulnerable AND they’re honest AND they're sweet AND kind and attentive.
What a winning combination! Those highs are intoxicating because for a moment in time you have it all. You have the partner who is different AND they’re all about you.
BUT then you have the lows where their true colors come out. That's where they ignore you, they mess around with their roster, they totally disregard you and it’s all about them.
But there is something about being human that makes us overlook those lows once we’ve had a taste of the highs.
We become fixated on that high. We almost become addicted to it.
I’m not necessarily talking about women being attracted to bad boys. I’m talking about why you're attracted to anyone who isn't good for you. You can use the label toxic, selfish, narcissist or bad boy, etc.
We develop a backwards attraction to the highs and lows of inconsistency.
There's been a lot of studies done on the topic of relationships and "addiction" that show how we’re wired to develop chemical dependencies towards certain people and behaviors (e.g. you get a dopamine rush when you experience the high of their attention, etc.)
Why might you be attracted to someone who you know isn't good for you? Counter-intuitively it’s the inconsistency they bring to the table.
It's similar to the saying "treat them like dirt, stick like mud."
We know that's a ridiculous statement but yet we find ourselves sticking it out... waiting and hoping for the next high. You put up with the being treated like dirt because the person doing it is good at manipulation.
They know they can treat you like dirt because at a certain point they also make sure to treat you like a queen too. And they get away with it because you allow inconsistency to trick your brain into wanting more.
The reality is you should never have to chase for more.
Be attracted to whoever you like. If you like someone who is carefree and rebellious... have at it. If you like someone with tattoos and is a musician… go off. If you’re attracted to the alpha, macho no f*** given attitude kind of person... that’s totally cool. I have no doubt you can find those qualities.
But I also have no doubt that you should never have to make concessions to find them.
You can find those qualities AND a sense of honest intention in the same person.
But if you find those qualities come with a side of inconsistency, manipulative highs and lows… you need to re-establish your standard for yourself.
As much as your intuition can be your best friend, it can also betray you. It can convince you that it’s OK to stick out a low because the high is so good.
That is NOT what you deserve. Inconsistency, unpredictability, highs and lows... nah. You can find a bad boy who’s only bad in the good ways LOL.
You deserve someone who is present. You deserve someone who is consistent.
You can find that all wrapped up in a package that is attractive to you - interesting, a bit rebellious, confident, alpha - but you should never have to make concessions.
You certainly should never have to put up with massive lows to experience the highs. You deserve better than disinterest one day and over the top interest the next.
You deserve a person, a relationship and a love that is consistent above all else.