The truth about cheaters is that they're completely to blame.
But that reminder isn't particularly helpful, is it?
It's not very helpful to remind you that if Beyonce herself can get cheated on, it's clearly not about you… it’s always about the person cheating.
So... know this: whoever does the cheating is insecure in a major way.
But everyone is insecure to some extent, right? The difference between "good" insecure people and "weak" insecure people is that cheaters let their insecurity lead them to do something intentionally deceptive.
They choose self gratification over intimacy. They choose self gratification over communication.
And THAT is a defining choice.
Cheating comes down to intention.
Intention. It’s what you plan to do.
You can learn to forgive yourself or someone else if you went into a scenario, a date, a job or a friendship with the right intention but the outcome wasn’t great.
You can forgive and you can move on quickly because sometimes mistakes happen even though an intention was a good one.
BUT a cheater has no room to stand when it comes to their intention.
Their intention was NOT pure. It was NOT right. No matter what they say to justify it - they purposely lied, cheated and deceived.
THAT is where you draw the line.
They chose gratification over what a person with a pure intention would do - have a conversation, work through the issue or end the relationship if necessary.
No matter how they might try to justify it… it comes back to their intention.
Their intention was to choose self gratification over commitment. Self gratification over communication.
Cheating is a choice... not a mistake.
Reminding yourself of this can empower you to stop focusing on the "why" behind what happened.
I can think of quite a few reasons of why people cheat and none of them are great BUT all of them can open you up to overthink and blame yourself.
- You can say: they cheated because they were bored... and it's my fault they became bored.
- You can say: they cheated because we drifted apart and they were lonely.. and it's my fault we lost the spark because I stopped trying.
- You can say: they cheated because they needed validation from someone and they weren't getting it from me because I lost my attraction to them.
You can always find a reason to blame yourself in some way... OR you can realize that no matter the WHY, no matter what drove them to do it - whether it was because they lacked something, because you weren’t giving them what they needed or because they were just an outright bad person - at the end of the day they had an intention to do it.
It wasn’t an oopsie. It wasn't a mistake. It was a choice.
That doesn’t make it suck any less, of course... but it places the blame squarely on their shoulders (where it belongs).
Ultimately they had the opportunity to set two intentions.
They had the opportunity to say.. I'm feeling lonely. I’m lost. I’m feeling bored. I’m feeling invalidated in my relationship right now. I can either discuss this with my partner and figure out what to do OR I can give myself a quick fix by cheating.
They chose the latter.
It was never about you in the way you might be tempted to think. It wasn’t about what you weren't giving them. It wasn't about any insecurity or issue you had that resulted in the relationship becoming stagnant.
It was always about them and their inability to pursue a pure intention, to look insecurity in the eye and do something constructive about it.
I hope you realize that as much as people do cheat - men and women both - there are people out there who don't.
You deserve those people.
There are people out there who are aligned in their intention and would so much sooner have a conversation with you or end the relationship BEFORE deciding to set an intention to deceive you and act on it.
No amount of flipping the script erases being cheated on... but I hope you realize that it was never about you from the beginning and nothing about THEIR intention and THEIR choice was about you, your worth or your value.
It was all about them and their inability to be mature about their insecurity.