Do you think you’re unlovable or difficult to love?
I disagree and here’s why.
Here’s what I think happened that led you to this assumption.
When you first started dating your mindset was… I just need to find someone who gets me and I get them. I just haven't found my person yet and that’s ok… I’ll find them. I’ve just gotta keep looking.
And then you dated and dated. You found yourself in a relationship or two, you found someone, lost someone, almost found someone and so on.
And somewhere along that journey your opinion of yourself changed and your opinion of your journey changed. It went from… I just need to find someone... to I haven't found someone but everyone else has… and therefore I am at fault. I am unlovable.
Subconsciously that is what happened. Not overtly. But you grew to assume that about yourself.
I want to help you get back to that original mindset. That’s a simple mindset and all it says is: I just haven’t found my person yet. That’s it.
No overthinking. No blaming yourself. No assuming anything about yourself.
I want you to realize that when you assume that everyone else’s relationship is easy… what you’re doing is you’re putting yourself in a corner.
You put yourself in a corner where all of a sudden… because love and dating hasn’t been easy for you… you jump to the conclusion that you're the problem. That you’re unlovable.
But I want to remind you… that even though I don’t know you… you are not hard to love. And you most certainly are not unlovable. Yes, you might’ve been at fault and a relationship fell apart.
Yes, you might have done something or didn't do something that caused stress in a relationship. Yes, you might be annoying and clingy or whatever. Yes, you have things to work on. But that doesn’t make you unlovable. You are only tough to love for someone who isn’t ready to find a way.
You are only unlovable for someone who wants you to fit a certain mold - a mold that they’ve created for how they expect to love. A mold that is easy.
But love is not easy and in my mind everyone is a mix of lovable and unlovable.
The right person will see the things that make you lovable and they will want them so badly that accepting the unlovable parts of you will be a decision they’re willing to make.
But it will not be easy. It will be tough. And it will be tough because both of you will no longer hide anything. And that’s a big moment. Recognizing that really levels the playing field because it reminds you that no relationship is easy.
Just because your love hasn’t been easy… it’s not because you’re unlovable.
All love is like that! All love is two people coming together - both of them with their lovable and unlovable aspects and that is NEVER easy. So take that assumption and put it to sleep - that you’re unlovable because you think it’s easy for everyone else but you. It is not!
One day in the not too distant future you’ll find someone who is going to make you feel silly for ever feeling this way. You’ll look back and you'll say I can’t believe I felt I was unlovable. I’ve now proven otherwise. I just needed to find the person who was ready to love the tough parts of me. You just haven’t found the right person.
That’s it! That’s all it is.
There’s nothing to overthink. Don’t jump to a conclusion.
Don’t say who you are is what makes you unlovable.
Don’t say that your stubbornness, your sense of independence, your short temper, your type A alphaness, your weirdness, your anxiety, your tendency to get clingy, your high expectations, your sensitivity, your assertiveness - makes you unlovable.
Those are not reasons you’re unlovable. Yes, certainly, there are things about yourself that you can work on and you should! But nothing about you is unlovable. You simply haven’t found someone who is ready to love all aspects of yourself.
There’s no need to take it to a deeper level than that. You just haven’t found someone who is ready to realize that love isn’t easy… but you will!
It’s not fair to yourself to assume that everyone else’s relationship is easy and that because you haven’t found an easy, effortless love yet that you’re unlovable.
As the saying goes… literally, every person is messed up, so pick your favorite train wreck and roll with it.
You are messed up. I am messed up. That couple you idolize and whose love you think is so easy… they are messed up.
We’re all messed up. Everyone is a mix of lovable and unlovable.
So all those traits you think make you unlovable - your energy, your weirdness, your clinginess, your sensitivity, your drive - they don’t make you unlovable. You just haven’t found someone who is ready to roll with those things yet.
Don’t think you are unlovable because of who you are. You are a train wreck just like everyone else. You’re a train wreck in the best way possible.
And right now, you just haven’t found someone who is ready to ride that train.
You just haven’t found that person who loves the things about you that you think make you tough to love. But you will.
Just like everyone else... you’re on a journey to find someone who acknowledges that love isn’t easy but makes the decision to love anyway. Keep your head up.
You’re not unlovable.